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Hold Onto Your Jowl Horses – 16 New Dog Breed Names That Will Leave You Howling

New discoveries in biology are often heralded with carefully crafted latin names, or nomenclature befitting the great minds of our time. And while Linnean taxonomy holds a crucial role in our animalian knowledge base, it serves absolutely no purpose in coming up with some new names for our favorite friends.

There’s nothing wrong with the old names, of course. It’s just that Canis lupus familiars isn’t exactly familiar with any of them, and neither are we.

For the sake of efficiency, evolutionary progress, and your enjoyment, the Animal Rescue Site submits the following new dog names into the codex caninus.

Beefy Jokers

Ask any physicist and they'll tell you, mass equals volume times density. It's hard to leave such a goofy grin out of the equation, though!

Ask any physicist and they’ll tell you, mass equals volume times density. It’s hard to leave such a goofy grin out of the equation, though!

Blonde and Loving Its

It's hard to feel down around such a bright beauty like this!

It’s hard to feel down around such a bright beauty like this!

Jowl Horses

Do you even know how to jowl?

Do you even know how to jowl?

Grumpy Grandpas

They'll get on your lawn, and they'll ask you to get off it.

They’ll get on your lawn, and they’ll ask you to get off it.

Old Fashioned Ghosts

Slender. Spooky. Sentimental.

Slender. Spooky. Sentimental.

Party Subs

With one foot more, the party still roars.

With one foot more, the party still roars.

What We Have When Bears Die Outs

Train them to catch salmon and we'll be OK.

Train them to catch salmon and we’ll be OK.

Tongue Wolves

Ever vigilant, ever slobbery.

Ever vigilant, ever slobbery.

Knitter’s Delights

They're not furniture, they're FURniture.

They’re not furniture, they’re FURniture.

Pawntene Pro Vs

A lapdog of luxury. Follow enclosed manufacturer's instructions for conditioning and shampoo requirements.

A lapdog of luxury. Follow enclosed manufacturer’s instructions for conditioning and shampoo requirements.

Hair Hydra

Even just one is enough to come at you from all directions!

Even just one is enough to come at you from all directions!

Wrinkle Rabbits

Ears perked. The only way to live.

Ears perked. The only way to live.

Cleveland Brown Bags

As floppy as they come, with a little extra room to spare!

As floppy as they come, with a little extra room to spare!

Spheres of Influence

Look into my eyes, human...

Look into my eyes, human…

Soft Torpedoes

To put things bluntly, this is a cute bomb that's primed to explode with wet kisses.

To put things bluntly, this is a cute bomb that’s primed to explode with wet kisses.

You Will Soon Learn To Appreciate Mes

One of the most corrupt and vile gangsters in the universe.

One of the most corrupt and vile gangsters in the universe.

Whether or not these dog names will stick, only time will tell. For those more interested in cat facts, follow the button below and learn about your feline’s secret plans to kill you with a cold shoulder.

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