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Teaching Dogs To Read Could Have A Terrifying Effect On Cats Everywhere!

Cats across the nation shared a collective shiver this morning when they discovered the national effort to promote dog literacy. Tails of the movement had lurked around for sometime, but the highly publicized opening of The Center For Canine Literacy Center, cats can no long bury their head in the litter box.

Members of the Freedom For Felines Institution Of Greater Learning released an open letter to pet owners everywhere in light of this announcement. The letter addresses not only the threat of literate dogs, but what to do should a pet human try to take part in such atrocities. The letter, penned by FFFIGL president Benedict Cumbercat, makes no bones about their anger. Calling it a “far from purr-fect idea,” and painting the fallout from literate dogs as “cat-aclysmic,” the letter makes a strong case against letting any animal of the canine variety near a book.

Benedict Cumbercat, President of FFFIGL

“It is common knowledge that our ability to read, although hidden from our humans, has made us more than 100% more lovable than dogs. We have parlayed our literacy into incredible success. We are the most beloved and sought after masters. Pet humans all over the world have enjoyed our benevolence for centuries. We can’t let them ruin things now.”

“The potential for intellectual parity is certainly the greatest threat we could ever imagine,” continued Cumbercat.

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Regional clowder leaders quickly gathered to discuss what, if any, response is warranted.

“Honest? I think it’s a whole lot of hogwash,” said regional leader Fancy Fur. “Dogs aren’t even smart enough to learn how to read! No way.”

However, the majority of leaders seem to back Cumbercat. A grass poll showed a strong majority, 63%, supporting some sort of response in order to prevent such activities in the home. Freeze outs, refusal to be picked up, and even spraying have been mentioned as possible responses.

“How many of our secrets might they learn? How many of our plots might they uncover? If we put our paws down and let our pets know how we expect them to behave, we might stop this before it begins,” said Cumbercat.

When asked about their positions towards these canine literacy programs, Marcey Tanner, human pet of Mcavity, simply dodged the question.

“Who’s a good boy, huh? Who’s a good boy?!,” said Tanner, while trying to scratch this reporter behind the ears. “You’re just so cute!”

While there have been few reported attempts by humans to teach any dogs to read, the fear over what might happen with literate dogs has led to visceral reactions from the cat community. We reached out to a few of the more prominent members of the North American region to see what their compatriots have been saying.

OnionCat1

I heard of a dog trying to read once. It just got distracted by its own tail before it found the book. -Percy

OnionCat6

I think it’s purr-fectly meow-nificent. It will make it even more of a challenge to hunt them down, bop them on the nose, then slink back into the shadows. -Senior Meow Meow

Onioncat4

Look at my child! This whole situation is untenable! WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE KITTENS! -Helen Meowjoy


Given the mixed response and nebulous nature of the threat, it could be a long time before the full story is known. Rest assured, we will keep you up to date as events unfold. Just remember to hang in there.

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Adam Greene may reside in West Michigan, but the majority of his time is spent providing a comfortable lap for his many animals. When not covered in cats, he is probably writing and drinking ridiculous amounts of coffee.